Friday, July 29, 2011

A Long Post

When I first said yes to a question asked almost a year ago, I thought that perhaps I could bring greater and better changes through that yes. I thought of all the things that I would want to accomplish, the results that I hope to achieve and the height that I want to reach. I thought of many things, all good, of what can I accomplish. Those were the exact same thoughts that I have when I said yes to another question prior to this one mentioned here.

But the thing about thoughts is just thoughts. You can think about all the great things you want to achieve all day but without the sufficient action and willpower to back it up, it will only be a daydream.

When I was young, I had always wanted to be a leader. I thought of everything that I could achieve if people could just give me a chance to be one. I thought of all the improvements that I can make, how things should be done and how much potential the committee could achieve if only I could lead. I constantly looked down on the leaders of the committees around me, be it the prefectorial board, the church youth committee or the class committee because I thought that I could do a better job than them. I always made comparisons between their decisions and decision I would make, picking on the weaknesses and folly of their decisions and thinking of all the good things that can happened if only they used my decision, if only I could be allowed to lead.

The chance to be able to lead, to be a leader, that was my ambition during all the time I spent growing up in my hometown. I wanted to be someone significant, someone who makes important decisions and someone who can bring changes.

When I came to university, I was finally given the chance to fulfill my lifelong hometown dream, not once, but twice during my short stay in hostel. The chance to be finally called a leader. The only sad thing? Reality was nowhere near how I pictured it to be.

For starters, I found out that leading people is not easy. It's never easy. It takes charisma, it takes will of iron steel, it takes immense amount of confidence to be a good leader. All which I have none. Most of the time I am afraid of offending people, constantly worrying about people would think about me and most of the time I would just prefer to stick to myself if possible.

Everytime I want to talk or do something, there's this feeling of self doubt that constantly plagues me. "What if they do not agree?", "What if they think it's shitty?", you know, questions like that. I just don't have the sufficient self confidence enough to just do anything in the first place.

I think it's because of my overly fear of rejection. And this fear that people would reject me and I would end up being alone is causing me to have insufficient self confidence and self belief. Heck, by writing this post even I'm rejecting myself right now.

Which makes me wonder why I said yes to the question in the first place again. Because for all my high ambitions, I can never be a great leader. I used to have loads of self confidence, believing that I can take on the world if I wanted to, but not anymore. I feel so small, so inadequate now, as if that even if I die, the world would go on smoothly and would not even have a hint of missing me.

Sigh, what is happening to me?


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