The God Dilemma

It's tempting to believe in the existence of a benevolent higher being. I'm not sure if this is innate to all humans, or if this is because of my Christian upbringing, but there is this unexplainable desire in me that wants to think there is someone watching over me.

I heard Avril Lavigne's latest song today, Head Above Water. It sounds very much Christian inspired, with its chorus going, "God, keep my head above water, Don't let me drown, it gets harder, I'll meet you there at the altar, As I fall down to my knees, Don't let me drown..."

It's a very powerful song. Listening to the song brought flashbacks to me. I remember a period of my life when I was down in the dumps. That phase of life where you felt that nothing you did matter, where you're desperately searching for affirmation and meaning. It was Christian songs that kept me going. I remember crying to songs like 'Still' by Hillsong.

At that moment, despite how down I felt, I felt a strange assurance inside me. That there was indeed an entity called God that consoled me, accepted me. That assurance pulled me through.

Was it really God who did that? Or was it my own mind deceiving myself?

I don't know.

It has been a decade since then. I am now a completely different person than the emotional religious teenager I used to be. I have come to believe in God less, for many reasons, but listening to Avril's song brought me back to all those years ago, singing to those songs as a way to cope with the feeling of hopelessness and despair.

It's very tempting. To believe that no matter what you do, there is a being that loves you unconditionally. That accepts you for who you are. It gives a person strength, to know that you are loved and accepted.

However, I no longer believe in God as I strongly as I used to last time. Religion has left a very bad aftertaste in my mouth for many reasons. The Republicans in the US, the hate from 377A saga and just the general pretentiousness of many Christians. All this coupled with the overwhelming silence from above. God has become more of a propaganda tool for the powerful than being an omnipotent being to be worshipped and loved.

It's hard to not believe that God is a creation of our active imagination sometimes.

Still, hearing the song makes me want to sing. It makes me want to believe again. Because believing gives me hope. It gives life meaning.

I am simple like that.

If only this question is as simple.

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