Monday, November 10, 2014

At the End of Everything #10

I need someone to be there for when I am weak too. The sentence stared back at me, sitting alone on a white page.

The thought of dating Phoebe, and actually going long term with her, freaked me out all of a sudden. While things have been going on fine so far, a part of me was afraid. I sat there in my room, looking at the words that I have written on my diary. Somehow, how the thought came so naturally to me scared me. There I was, pen in my hand, looking to write something nice about what has been happening. The first dinner, the subsequent boat trip. Even the trip to the ice cream shop went smoothly. 

Everything looked as if they were lifted out from a Hollywood romance drama. We would go out on subsequent more dates, get to know each other better and ultimately be together. That was how things usually work.

But as I sat there, thinking about our relationship, the first sentence that popped into my mind was of fear, not a happy one. Fear that I was not adequate. Sure, we may both share the same course of study and other smaller traits, but that was as far as our similarity goes. 

She was way more prettier, her future much more brighter. Her dating prospects were much more better than me. That was something that she admitted as well. She has engineers, lawyers, doctors and even CEOs all waiting for her. While I was only a teacher. A lowly teacher in a neighbourhood school. A teacher who lacked the status nor the future that many other guys who were after her held. I was nowhere as buffed nor good looking, nowhere as rich or successful. 

The sudden realization of it all affected me. It was all a sweet dream, the initial two dates. That someone of a supposed lower status like me could get a girl of a higher status like Phoebe. But sweet dreams always come to an end. The more I thought about it, the more worried I became. What if suddenly she wakes up and decide that her future with me was not as bright as a future with all the other guys?

When one comes to think about it, it is not entirely illogical. Her family owned a business. In fact she lived in a landed property, along with three cars that her family owned. In Singapore, the number of cars you owned and the type of house live in says a lot about the wealth of your family. Her brother worked as a high flier in the civil service, earning a paycheck that was equivalent to three of mine. She took trips yearly to different continents. The only trips that I could take was back to my hometown.

Both of us were of a huge mismatch if one were to simply compare. Sure, the initial honeymoon period may seem great, but from how I look at it, it was a downhill path. I was sure to not be able to provide her with a level of comfort that her family did if we do settle down. I felt sorely ill equipped. And I was afraid of the future.

In the end, I called it off, scared of what may laid ahead. I was scared only disappointment would greet me should I continue down this path, and decided that the best way to not get hurt was to not try at all. 

It was precisely one night after the boating trip in which I began to craft the message. My roommate was deep in sleep behind me, perhaps enjoying the cool breeze that the rain brought. But I was too preoccupied with all the thoughts that were running in my head. I felt that I had to get it out. So much so that I let my feelings take control of me. Only the bright glow of my monitor accompanied me as my fingers began to furiously type on the keyboard, led on only by my emotions.

“Dear Phoebe, the past two dates has been a great experience to me. I had a great time with you, and to be honest, I had never expected you to agree to go out with me on both occasions. You are the prettiest girl that I have met so far, and I am sure that the scores of people that go after you is a proof to that. You shared that with me before, and it is really not surprising, since you have the looks that reminded me of a model. You have the brains the looks and the elegance that brings about this aura of perfection around you. You were like a dream come true to me, someone whom I would never imagine to be together with. 

But somehow, around you, I just felt stressed. Intimidated by you. You’re like a dream too good to be true, and somehow, I cannot help but feel constantly insecure and paranoid around you. I mean after all, I am a no one. I am not rich, not good looking nor half as successful as the guys that you have around you. I don’t even know which part of me is better than them. Compared to those guys, I am worried that I could not give you the sense of security and love that they would be able to provide you with. All I could give is love, and sadly we could not solely survive on love in our world. And I am worried about what would happen in the future as well too. What if one day you suddenly decide that I am not good enough? That I could not provide? I could not even bear the thought of suddenly losing you.

I know all these talk is too soon to say only after the second date, but a part of me tells me that this is not a battle I could win. I am not sure if I even have the ability to fight fairly, to be honest. You could say that I am giving up the fight even before I start it. But I wanted to pull myself out before I fall in any deeper. The last thing that I wanted was to get hurt again, and with you, it seemed to be a very likely scenario. As for now, I think that best way is not to contact each other anymore. It’s the best way, I suppose. And I’m sorry. For being so selfish and immature. And for being the biggest coward in the history of mankind. Goodbye Phoebe.” 

I did not even bother to re-read the message. I hit send, before adding her number to my blocked list. “Are you sure you want to add Phoebe to the list of blocked numbers?” the confirmation message tried to dissuade me. 

‘Press no, you fool!’ I could hear Lucas saying. I gave another heavy sigh, pressed yes, and went back to my bed. Perhaps I would well better now, I told myself, even though my heart ached badly. It was for the better, I tried to convince myself, although it felt like I have committed the stupidest mistake in mankind history.

*****

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P/s: Mega update, coming right up~


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