No Longer The Boy


"Who are you anymore?"

I don't know. But I used to know. Just not now. I just don't know who I am now. And I don't know how I became like this. I could you see your disappointed face, your confused face, perhaps wondering where on earth was the person you used to know. The idealistic, stubborn and naive boy. The one who believes in principles, who lived by them. The guy who would never cheat on anyone, who is kind, truthful and sees the world through rose colored glass.

I too, wondered about where that boy went. It has been so long since I last seen him, heard him whisper in my ears. Or sometimes shout his ideals into mine. Insisting on how some things should not be done. Attempting to convince me to resist the trend of the world. Telling me that it is worth sticking to our ideals, even if the whole world doesn't have them.

I stare at your face, your eyes wide with shock. I suppose you are searching for the boy. The boy who stood against the world. He left, I guess. For a long time now. It's been what, months since we last talked? A lot could happen in months. A lot can changed. Which includes the boy leaving.

You look away, back to the bus window, when you realized that I could not give you the answer. The passing lights from the streetlamps provided a distraction for you instead of having to grapple with the reality that the person sitting next to you was no longer someone you know. The boy was no longer here. Instead, he has been replaced with a irresponsible jerk. A scumbag Steve, as how the internet who call him.

"What happened?" you asked between whispers, after a moment of awkward silence. What happened indeed. 

In a way, the boy grew up. His optimism replaced by realism, ideals by pragmatism. He realized that the world seldom reward those who chose patience over impulsiveness, ethics over brashness. In the end, after numerous hurts and disappointments, the boy realized that his ideas and beliefs no longer work against the larger world, where everything was against him. I didn't wanted to listen him any longer. In the end, the boy gave way to Steve, who preached everything in opposition to who the boy is.

"I changed, V," was all I could muster, as the both of us sat in silence, lost in each of our thoughts.


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