Do you still miss her?
|Image source: Shutterstock|
"Do you still miss her?" she asked me, her brown eyes staring curiously at me. I knew that the moment she asked about my first love, she would eventually ask me this question. All of of us do. Somehow, it seems that we have this nagging feeling of wanting to know more whenever someone we know talks about their ex. But in this case it was different. She's my girlfriend, and it has been three years since we last got together. Why she chose to ask this question now I had no idea, perhaps it was because we never talked in depth about this topic before, and today was the first time where I really shared the details of my first relationship with her. A relationship that lasted almost a decade.
I suppose that with her being the second girl in my life, it is natural for her to have some feelings of insecurity. After all, who won't. Ten years is a long time to be with someone, and like it or not, that ten years would definitely have an impact on your life. I suppose that this is a good time as any to finally answer the question that has been lingering in my girlfriend's mind.
I heaved a sigh as I gave my answer, looking back directly into her eyes.
"Yes, I still do sometimes," I admitted, an answer that I knew would disappoint her, which it did. She slumped back after hearing my answer, her smile disappearing into a frown, and her brown eyes turning to look somewhere else. Of course she was sad. After all, I was already with her, so I could I still miss someone else who is no longer in my life? Do I really love her then, if that's the case? I was more than certain that doubts and questions were beginning to pop up on her mind, but what she may be thinking was not what I was feeling or what I had in mind.
My hand reached out for hers, in an attempt to reassure her. She wanted to pull her hands away in response when our skin touched, but my fingers quickly grip hers, unwilling to let go.
"I may still miss her occasionally, but I no longer love her," I said, this time my turn to stare at her. I tightened my grip our fingers. Taking a deep breath in, I begin my feeble attempt to explain.
"The reason I wanted to tell you this is because I wanted to be honest with you. I did not want to just bluff you by saying that I only think about you now, because that would only be a sweet lie and not the truth. Lies I can tell anyone, but to you, I just want you to know the truth.
In all honesty, I don't think you could easily forget someone who has been an important part of your life for almost a decade. She was there when I graduated from high school, when I entered into university, when my mother passed away, and when I first started my working life. When I was the most uncertain during that period of my life, she was there to support me. She cheered me on, encouraged me. Try as one might, the role that she played during that time could not be changed or denied. A big part of my life was changed during that period of time, and a huge chunk came from her.
In a way, you could say that I miss the story that we once shared. It's more of a nostalgic feeling, rather than one that wants her back in my life. If anything, I was grateful for what happened then. It shaped me into who I am today, and even though we are no longer together, the legacy of the story remains. My love for Korean food, for books and my dislike for jeans were all a product of that story. Like it or not, they have become a part of my story, and even if I try to forget or deny that it happened, the words of the story are already inscribed on my heart.
But of course, that story has ended. The final page has been written, and the cover closed. No matter how many time I try to reread the story again, it will remain just that: a product of the past. In its place, a new story is being written. A story that involves you. And unlike the previous story, I am still writing this story with you. We could still fill and craft this story in any way we want, and perhaps we could never let it end as well. I have made a choice to commit to this story the moment I decided to be together with you, and hopefully as time passes, the legacy of this new story would eclipse the legacy of the old story, ending with a happily ever after. There may always be a mark from the previous story in my heart, but who I am loving now is you and only you. She may have left a mark, but is is you who fills my heart currently
My question now is this, would you then be willing to continue writing this story with me?"
There was a brief moment of silenced after I had finished my sentence, before she turned to look at me again. My heart pounded so fast as if I thought I was having a heart attack, as I waited for her response. I could only wonder what it would be.