Wednesday, May 21, 2014

How people who never fall in love with you are probably stupid, and you should probably just continue to do nothing

image taken from flickr
Hey you, yes you, the one who is now sitting in front of the computer reading this article. Are you feeling lonely right now? I bet you do. When was the last time you had a relationship? Quite some time ago, I believe. Which might explain why you're sitting in front of the computer, clicking into this article that you think is probably written about some relationship wisdom, like so many other relationship articles out there.

You may have been searching for that one true love, waiting for the day your fairy tale unfolds, but try as you might, that just does not seem to be happening. All you seem to be getting into are painful relationships, where try as you might, your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush just seemed to be the biggest jerk out there. They don't know how to appreciate all the love that you are giving them, squandering it instead on the people who you think do not deserve it.

What on earth is wrong? You may start to wonder. Is it you? No, it couldn't be. You have been giving  your everything, being the best person out there for your special one and it just seem that it's their fault for all this heartbreak you're getting.

So you go to the internet in search for an answer. To see whether it's really true, what you believed in. And at first glance, it does seem that way. Nice guy, loyal woman, that is what you're called. "Why all girls will want bad guys" and "Nice guys finish last" or "All men cheat" are among the top searched terms in google. So it is really not your problem, the internet confirms. Rather, it's the problem of the entire opposite sex. And suddenly you don't feel so bad anymore. It's not your fault after all, it's THEIR fault.

And so you clicked on this article, wondering if it's the same thing. It's not.

The thing is, you should stop reading articles like this. Stop giving yourself excuses whenever things do not work out the way that you want.

"Oh, she did not want me because I'm too much of a nice guy, and girls are genetically predisposed to love bad boys," or "He cheated on me because all guys are jerks who cheat on loyal women," are nothing but lame attempts in removing the responsibility on yourself and places it entirely on your partner. The entire reason the relationship did not work out was because your partner, that idiotic slut/jerk, who because he/she happens to be the member of the opposite sex, suffers from this fatal flaw and incapacitates every member in it. It's just girls being girls and guys being guys, you know, and it's inside of them to like bad guys or to cheat. They will act naturally that way.

Please. If that's the case, every guy would have cheated by now and nice guys would eventually die out because they cannot pass their genes on, as every single woman on the planet can only date jerks. And the entire human race will eventually be filled with insecure jerk loving girls and jerks in general.

But no. If you think hardly enough, I am sure that they are cases where the girl did end up with a nice guy at the first try. And there are cases where nice guys don't lose out. I've known a few friends who ended up with their childhood sweetheart and is living their fairy tale now, and there were definitely no jerk loving girl or a cheating boyfriend involved. The believe that girls inherently love bad guys because they love danger and all guys will cheat is nothing but a dangerous myth. It removes the responsibility from our actions, and places it squarely on something we cannot control, for example our genes.

Because it is always easier to blame something beyond our control. It soothes our ego, and absolves us of any responsibility or aftermath. Failed your exams? Blame the lecturer for setting questions outside of what you studied, rather than you not studying. Project failed at work? Blame your bosses unrealistic expectations rather than you often procrastinating. Raped someone? Blame it on her clothing rather than you not being able to control your lust.

Relationship didn't work out? It must be the other person's fault, not yours. Because you have given so much into it, loved so much. In each of the example, the first option always feels easier, makes you feel better. Because that way, your ego does not feel threatened, you're still a worthy, lovable and righteous human being, while the second option forces you to reexamine yourself, and that makes us uncomfortable. No one loves to be proved that they are wrong.

Sadly, it is not often the case. It takes two hands to clap, and when a relationship breaks down, often there are many factors in play, with both parties contributing. The degree in both party may have contributed varies, but to absolve 100% of your responsibility is impossible. You may have chosen wrongly, rushed into love too quickly, taken things for granted or even crave for danger, but all of the actions are within your control. Sure there may be extreme exceptions (like when you're dating a psychopath), but for the majority of relationships, we are in certain control of what happens.

We are able to make choices, affect how our live turn. We are not passive players, where our boyfriends/girlfriends fall out of the sky, and we're forced to accept them no matter who they are. Maybe in arranged marriages, but heck even I'm willing to bet that somehow we had less problems when arranged marriages were the norm.

So stop reading articles like this. Stop giving yourself a pat in the back when you read articles like and merely confirmed what you have always wanted to believe. It was all his/her fault. You are perfectly fine the way you are, and you are the epitome of niceness or loyalty. Stop finding an excuse so you could be "bad", and instead reflect on how you would have changed things and make things better. Think of how you can improve yourself instead of lamenting on how unfair the world is, pick yourself up, dust it off and move on.

Because if one person does not know how to appreciate the positive qualities that you have, there's always someone else who will. Be happy that you loved, that you can love and that you have loved before. Valuable lessons are sometimes painful, like how you used to fall down and bruise yourself when you're learning to ride a bicycle, but it is from there that you learn. Make yourself a better person, and show that person how much he/she will be missing out when you write your own separate fairy tale.


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