If I could just disappear

If you were to leave the world tomorrow, how many people would miss you? How many would turn up for your funeral, telling others how you have made a positive impact in their life and shed tears for you? Or instead would your funeral be a deserted one? No one misses you, no one notices, and your coffin sits alone in the hall, with nothing to accompany your final journey but empty chairs in an empty hall?

I have been thinking a lot on the worth of our existence for the past few days. How everyone can be somehow divided according to the impact they are having in this world, from the work they are doing to the people they are influencing; there are those who when gone, their absence is greatly felt and then there are those who according to the Chinese proverb, "duo yi ge bu duo shao yi ge bu shao", which means that your presence is neither greatly felt nor greatly missed. No one depends on you for anything, you are not doing any impactful work and even when you are gone, the world won't feel anything. In a way, you are just like a support cast, a leftover.

I was thinking that how to save everyone the trouble, the second group of people should just not exist in the world. Since they are not contributing anything at all and neither will they be missed, why waste resource on them? It would be great to just wipe them off the planet and give the resource that are used to keep them living to people who are more worthy. Their existence do not have a meaning anyway, because they're merely existing for the sake of existing. 

And I was thinking how I won't be missed too if I do disappear one day, or rather how anyone would not notice at all and why am I bothering with this pointless thing called living when you're "duo yi ge bu duo shao yi ge bu shao". Because after all, if all you do is to burden everyone around you, why bother being around anyway? Why not just save everyone the trouble and disappear, so everyone can be happy? Because from secondary school to uni to even life now, I have always be at the sidelines, a person whom others prefer not to touch, as if I am carrying a contagious disease. 

The previous paragraph may sound depressive or emotional, but believe me when I say I'm not. I am merely being practical rather than depressive. I have learned not to care much about others as others don't care much about me, so if there is no relationship between me and other members of the human race, removing me itself would not cause any harm or imbalance to the world, as there were no dependency to begin with.

If anything, I have learned to live by myself, to not depend on others for comfort or companionship but rather just not seek and just accept life as it is; that God, if he exists, thinks that it's a funny to joke to make someone's life much worse than others and then go blabbering about how much he "loves" you. More like how much your existence don't mean shit to anyone in the world. 

However, as much as I want to cease to exist, I'm too cowardly to do so. I am afraid of what others would think of me and more so my parents. Perhaps the one and only reason that I somehow keep fighting on, telling myself that maybe tomorrow will be a better day, is solely because of my parents. They have given so much for me in my past 23 years and to call it quits now would just mean wasting all their blood, tears and sweat. I just cannot be that selfish.  

To be honest, if there is an undo button that I could click to erase myself, I would. If I could travel back in time to stop myself from coming into existence I would. No one needs me and I don't need anyone so in the end I'm just deleting a redundant data. Something that takes up space but who does not fully utilize it. Why waste so much energy and time on someone who's existence is worthless when you can spend it on someone else who is much worthier?

The religious would say that everyone exists for a reason but to be honest, so far I don't see any. Most of it are cooked up by ourselves to attempt to justify our own feeble existence.

I don't know. I will still continue living though, no worries, but as of now. I'm sucked dry of every bit of optimism that I have in life. That's all.


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