Please have pre-marital sex, okay?

Lust is a part of love. Really? Was browsing through NUS Confessions today and came across two posts that really struck me:

the last part is the interesting part

and there were people who blamed the boyfriend for the girl's actions

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the age where not having sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend is now officially considered as not normal and weird.

Reading those made me feel kinda old, to be honest. Because I happened to be perhaps the last few remaining guys who thinks that sex should be left until marriage. And with it comes the conservative thinking that if you could have sex freely with people other than your spouse, then what's the point of marrying anyway? I personally believed that if you could only have sex with one person, then that would inevitably make that person more special to you in a way and that sex somehow bonds two people closer together. Once you could sleep around freely, sex loses its meaning in marriage and it could perhaps make someone less likely to be faithful and that would make it more likely for someone to commit adultery and inevitably leads to divorce.

Of course, that's sound a bit far fetched but that's how I would like to view it. I don't deny the fact that my Christian background somehow influenced my thinking but I thought that saving my first and giving it only to my wife would be the best gift that I could ever give her. No one else's but yours, baby.

But then again, I realized that keeping on to all these principles are really pointless in the end. I mean why bother keeping it if everyone else is doing it? At the end of the day, no one is going to measure you by your principles and reward you for it. No one is going to walk up to you and say, "Not bad, Luke, on what you did there. Here's a medal for you". No one. At the end of the day, principles are only an illusion to give you a feel good feeling that makes you think that you're better than the rest but when in fact it doesn't make a difference whether you've slept with one person, ten people or hundred people before. No one is going to know. And ultimately, no one has a clue how your sexual promiscuity before marriage could affect your marriage quality.

One could draw correlations between the past and present, suggesting that marriages in the past tend to last longer without divorce is correlated with the number of sex partners one has, but then again, correlation does not mean causation. And besides societal norms and taboo changes with time. It was once considered a taboo to hold hands but look at where are we know. Perhaps in the future, having sex could be viewed as the act of holding hands today and the definition of marriage could be changed completely, who knows? Already we are seeing the emergence of new types of families, the single parent family, the same gender parent family so there's really no knowing where are we headed next. Perhaps sex and having a baby outside of wedlock may have altogether a different meaning, maybe the term of marriage would be abolished altogether in the future. I don't know.

The thing is, I feel stupid of withholding it so many times thinking that perhaps I am making a difference when it doesn't really matters. In the end, our values are subjective, especially when it comes to things like sex and even I choose to stick to it, there's no telling I could ask my son or daughter to stick to it in the future. The thing is unless society reverts its values, I have no choice but to revise my own values.

To be honest, other than the religiously inclined, there are hardly anyone else preaching about abstinence today. The more prevalent message is about wearing a condom instead of waiting for the special day and I guess that says a lot about how useless the mainstream people think abstinence is. And when it comes to marriage, unless you can find the same yolk as you, there's very little chance your partner may share the same sentiments as you and even if you do find one, as evident from the confession up there, you can never really know.

My point is: Why bother making yourself suffer when everyone else is having fun and not giving a damn about it and at the end of the day, the only thing that you'll receive is a stupid self pat on the back? Of course you may argue that your religion may say it  otherwise, but there has not really been any conclusive proof of the benefits of abstaining other than some form of speculation about the benefits right? It's just isn't worth it, if you look at the bigger picture.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I would immediately go to Geylang or anything, it's pretty hard to change one's values after all but I am just really intrigued by the whole concept of abstinence itself and what difference does it really make. I am not aware if there's any research looking into this (though I would suspect that finding a sample size of abstinent teens might be quite difficult) and I am not aware if there's anything in religious texts that touches on abstinence too other than the part where Jesus said you can have no one else but your husband, until the day that you die, which I agree to the max, to be honest, but that's another story for another day.

Maybe I could do a Psychology research on this, if I could have the budget and sample size. And if I would have the chance to study Masters. As for now, I guess I could file this topic under the folder of "Instances Where I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore".


  1. Abstinence is a decision. Other than It's a decision between you and God, it is also the best way to preserve the best for your spouse.

    But you are right, there should be more research into the topic. Hey maybe there are... you just need to look harder.

  2. "It's just isn't worth it, if you look at the bigger picture."

    But what is the big picture?

  3. It depends on how you look at it. I was raised a christian and I accept all their morals and values. But.

    I have had pre-marital sex, with only one person in my entire life. This wasn't some "rash" decision. It was thought out and discussed for two weeks as to the direction our relationship was taking and what we wanted out of it. When we pursued this path we made a commitment to each other that come what may we would get married, it just isn't the right time for us to get married yet. We have been together for more then 3 years.

    To be honest sharing this personal and intimate experience together has definitely strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. Our relationship has far surpassed that of "giddy teenagers" who constantly worry and have an inferiority complex. Jealousy does not exist in our relationship because of this commitment, I know that he's committed to me and so I have no fear of him straying and vice versa.

    We are solid pillars of strength and support for each other. We can share every thought, word and experience we go through, without the fear that the other will judge.

    In essence our relationship is what a marriage is suppose to be about, love and support, even without any legal documents signed.

    Why should a piece of paper dictate what your relationship is?

    In my heart I know that regardless of what happens this man is my everything and in theory my husband.

    Now I know this is not the case for everyone out there. But that's because they're going about relationships all wrong. I have spent the last 20 plus years watching people make the same mistakes over and over again. Don't go out looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Go out looking for a life partner, someone to share this journey with. Often people don't see the difference between either, but its there, you just have to look deep enough.

  4. I was sharing this blogpost in my facebook, then my friend Dnial made a nice statement for this topic:
    "If you think that you are less because your significant other wait for marriage, then you have problem of your own. And so does if you think your significant other has been done it and you think he/her is dirty or lower, then you have problem too."
    Surely I wish you get yourself a girlfriend with same value as you. Hehe~

  5. Honestly, I've always been really scared about this too. It's not so much about following the times, but rather what if my husband in future has had sex before and I haven't? Isn't that really unfair for me? Like screw you if you sleep around I should too! Haha I don't ever think you'll get the 'stupid pat on your back', unless it's your future wife when you two finally meet. I find this post really encouraging because I wish to save myself too, but I've always thought that with the perception nowadays (and how you can't check that a guy has done it before but you can for a woman) I can't ever find a guy who shares these ideals, even if they do say they are Christian. So thank you :) You've given me a bit of hope that God has set someone aside for me who's facing this same struggle too and in future, that even though it's so hard now to be set apart, that my own husband and I will realise and rejoice in what a special thing we've set aside for each other.

    1. Thank you for your reply. It's heartening to know that there are still people who hold on to these ideals, and I wish you all the best too in finding the Mr Right :)


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