a post in 30 minutes

It's amazing how your perception of stuff tends to change throughout the years. Back when I was young, I used to crave attention and responsibilities. Be it in school or in church, I've always wanted to be a leader, to be able to decide on the important things in life and to ultimately change things for the better. I used to love it whenever I was given an opportunity to lead and was disappointed when I was not picked for anything. And whenever that happens, I would imagine to myself how things would have been different if I was leading instead.

That ambition of wanting to lead has always been part of me I guess, because even coming to Singapore, I wanted to be a leader. I eventually tried out for a few positions, starting with a small wing head under a committee, moving on to become a co-head, a block head and ultimately one of the student council member in my hall. Quite a journey, I must say. A journey that culminates in the realization that your ambitions may not always be proportionate with the amount of energy, talent, skills and motivation to achieve that ambition.

This is definitely not the first time I'm posting about leadership though, in the past I've posted about how hard it is to lead too and wondered if I'm more suitable to be a follower instead but it seems that after even writing about it a few times, apparently I still did not learned my lesson and still went after the biggest position that I could reach, one of the student council member.

To be honest, I'm not saying that the entire experience has been a bad one but everyday when I'm doing my work, I just can't help but feel as if I'm not doing as much as my fellow colleagues. My enthusiasm got lost halfway I think and now I feel that I am doing work merely because it is my responsibility. There's just no fire anymore to push me to want to do more. Of course, I do feel bad but I just can't help but feel that I'm just not made for this stuff anyway. Responsibilities and commitments scare me now and sometimes all I want is to just take maybe a few weeks off and just do things that I want. I know I can give so much more for this role but somewhere somehow a part of me doesn't care anymore and just want to get the whole experience over and done with.

I think the thing that bothers me most is how successful people are usually leaders. Everywhere you look, you can see people who achieve big things in life are those who can push others to achieve the dreams that they have too. Which I guess is why I am constantly trying to be a leader. Because in my mind, I have this idea that if I'm not able to lead, I would most probably end up as a mediocre guy earning mediocre income living in a mediocre lifestyle and having to face up to a boss everyday. Basically, I'm afraid.

But there comes a point in life when you realize that despite how hard you try or how much you want things to work out, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And for me, that period is now. Like it or not, I just cannot seem to find the amount of energy and attention needed to keep me focused. Leaders are supposed to be dedicated and yet I am one of the most undedicated person in history. I tend to get bored and distracted easily and although I can start a lot of things when I have the power, I can never follow them through. I could never stick to one thing and see it to fruition. That, I think, is my biggest weakness.

Nevertheless, this journey has been an awesome lesson. Although I admit that I may have done a bare minimal job while I was in office, I learned the value of not following success as how society defines it. Sure, society may value an awesome leader more than an awesome follower (since when you heard about someone being appreciated just for being a successful follower?) but there's no point in forcing yourself to do things that you just don't like. After all, if you're able to be yourself, you'll be so much more happier and energetic. Which is why after this experience, I would not go seeking for leadership positions anymore.

Unless it wants to come to me of course. Then I'll think about it. But for now, I need a rest.


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