Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I need to find myself


I need to find back myself. Well, not that I got lost or what, but while digging up some archeological remains about myself in my old blog, it's six years old by the way (if it had been my son/daughter he/she would have been in kindergarten by now!), I found myself not quite the person I used to be.

For one, my old blog actually had a happy in front of it! Which means  once upon a time ago I was actually a happy guy. Or at least wanted to portray myself as happy. It's so different than the emo me who always post emo tweets and Facebook statuses complete with a self depressed outlook now.

SO different.

I also noticed that my blog has loads of comments too back then. Comments like "this is funny!", "your post is inspiring" and "I love to read your blog" rather than the "free viagra" that I usually get in my blog now.  Heck even I myself feel like posting a comment after reading what I wrote.

And most importantly, my old posts were actually funny. It made me laugh. It made me want to continue reading more. It helped me de-stress. Even my friends think I was better at blogging last time. So what happened?

Ongoing studies are still being conducted at the archeological site but I do have a theory. You know how they say that as time passes and as we grow older, we learn to be more pessimistic and closed minded. Not that it's a bad thing, it helps to keep us being realistic but it also takes away the big dreams, hope, ambitions and innocence. And certainly the handsomness (I just had to include handsome somewhere in this post).

I think somewhere along the line, I gave up on having big dreams in life due to life setbacks here and there. And being someone who ranks highly in neurotism in a personality test, it's normal for me to get more affected by disappointments and yes, screw my genes.

If I have not stumbled upon on this ancient and forgotten blog of mine, no doubt that perhaps a few years down the road, lukeyishandsome.com will be instead known as lukeyisemo.com, a blog where you get emotional rants everyday. Or maybe it will become lukeyhasSucicided.com too because Lukey has decided that life is not worth living anymore and jumped off a cliff in Singapore.

Wait, change that into a building please. Because there's no cliff worth jumping off in Singapore for suicide purposes. At most you'll end up with a broken knee.

Anyway, looking at my old blog picturing how myself was at that time made me realized that I have lost much of the good things that made up dear ol' Lukey last time. The overly-extreme-happy-go-lucky-don't-give-a-damn-about-what-you-think boy that used to think that he is unbeatable in this world. How time can change a person (coming to NUS certainly did not help my case).

But what's passed has passed and what's important is to focus on the present. And as for the present, I think I'm gonna try to revert back to the mentality that I had when I was writing that Friendster blog. The bad English is not included, of course, but I want to try being hyper, innocent, lame and don't give a damn about what others might think again.

Worrying too much that I might post inappropriate stuff has gotten me nothing except the feeling that I'm cheating on myself so I'm gonna stop doing it. Of course, no emo post is allowed (that's for my diary :p) but for everything else, I'm gonna try to be back the old me.

And you know what, digging up old stuff is actually quite fun you know. It gives you a picture of who you used to be. And it helps to exposed secrets you have forgotten about yourself. Like how I used to have a girlfriend at 17 years old! Whoa. Can't even remember her name, to be honest.

But that's another story. For now, it's a self rediscovering journey.

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