Sunday, February 7, 2010

Black, White or Grey?

Some friends ask me why do i sometimes post emotional or sad stuff into my blog.
"Shouldn't these stuff be private?"
I would love too... but sometimes, the feelings gotta come out.  I would happily choose to vent it some other way, like jamming on a bass guitar (but the band room is off limits, i do not have money to buy one and the nearest available one is few hundred kilometers away), or shouting on top of a cliff (but Singapore is pretty much flat), or shoot something (but i do not have a gun except a natural one which does no harm), or telling someone who truly understands (but they're few hundred kilometers away too and they do not use internet).  So i really do not have a choice.  Options like jumping off buildings, smoking or taking drugs is just gonna make the situation worse.

Who likes showing off their emotional stuff to the world anyway?  But i realized that life isn't all about cracking jokes and talking cock all the time.  Of course there will be downs in life, and i'm not going to lie to myself that everything is going to be ok, that all problems will eventually "pass" and just focus on the happy things.  Only people who are in the asylum that is happy all the time.

So i don't care, i'll still post emo post when i'm emo.  It's my form of venting it.  I can't put on a mask that says i'm ok when i'm not.  That would be lying, especially to yourself.

And yeah, i'm emo now.  Because i have two persons inside me fighting, each trying to prove that they are right, and that i subscribe to their principles.  Only one, black or white.  The problem is, i do not know whom to follow, because both of them are right and wrong in some sort of way.

One is saying that love is patient, that it waits, that i should not be bothered by the peer pressure around me.  He is telling me that relationships that start out of love at first sight do not last long on average, that it is based on fleeting feelings of romance.  He says that what is good is worth waiting, and love is like red wine, the longer you wait, the better it gets.  And he warns me that i should never get into a relationship just because of the sake of getting it.  Because in the end, it will end up with two heartbreaks.  And the cycle will not stop there, as i will want to have that feeling again when it's gone.  Relationships, he advises, should be built on solid foundation of friendship, not just an illusion of a fairy tale and mere feelings of passion.  He even mentions that love expects no return, and that is why its patient.

The other guy tells me to stop kidding myself.  Who am i trying to convince?  I'm living in the 21st century and in the real life, not some sort of soap drama.  If i'm going to think like that, then might as well i stay single the whole life because love today is totally different from what it is last time.  Even if i could wait, the girl won't, and even if the girl chooses to wait too, other guys will not.  He asks me why should i wait when others don't?  Why am i trying to be the "noble" one?  Why couldn't i just shut up and be like everyone else?  What's the use of these so called "principles" anyway?  Aren't they something invented to make us feel "better" with no practical purpose?  Because those that do not subscribe to these principles manage to live on happily too.

Sigh.  Can i just take a gun and shoot myself in the head?


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