Why? Why? (1)

Boy, am i in a rotten mood today.
NTU (Nanyang Technological University) came to gave a speech today about university life and it was followed by a fair about tertiary education and i do not know why but it left me with really a rotten mood.
And the events that came out later did not turn out to be any better.

To be honest, this rotten mood has been following me around a few days already and hate it i really do.
To make matters worse, this rotten feeling seems to crept up from nowhere and just hung on to me for a feel days and i wonder if it could just get any worse.

I think this feeling must have choose me as its target due to my tendency to compare myself with others and my urge to constantly climb up the invisible ladder of hierarchy that surprisingly seems to exist almost everywhere in our society.

I don't know about you, but i'm a person that will easily get pissed off if i find myself left out from all the latest happenings in school. Like that day when everyone went to practice drama for the heritage club and i was left alone wondering if everyone had been abducted by our sixth form teacher Mr Karu to heck i know where.

When i later found out the truth, i must admit that i got a bit hurt as i was not included in the play.
For God's sake, i'm Phang Cher Hong! How could they not include me?
I tried consoling myself by saying that it's no big matter, it's just a small play and i'm not even involved in the first place! Why should i bother?

Try as hard as i can but it proved to be no avail. I hated myself for this wondering why would i care so much for just not being involved a small drama. I know that i can act pretty well and i know that i do not need anything to prove myself but there's something invisible that is just at stake there.

The education fair today did not much good either. For the whole time i was at the fair, i could not help but think how would i fare in my future compared to other people and will i get my future secured considering so many people are also fighting for the precious place in university.
I hated myself for standing there alone doing nothing as my friends went around collecting materials and asking about the courses they want to study.

Time and time again i told myself that i would not have to worry as my future is in God's hand and i can rest assured of what lies ahead if i could only get a good result. Too bad that i did not even succeed but even bought a book that costs RM5 knowing very well that i would not need it later but what can i do as everyone is already buying it. Something it seems, was at stake.

I hate myself, i really di. All these things that happened made me reflect back to a book called Searching For God Knows What by a guy called Donald Miller. He's a really good chap and this post that i'm writing now resembles something like his style i only noticed now, but do not sue me, i'm just a normal student.

In the book, Donald said that how each and every human, which means you and me , is constantly comparing themselves to prove who is better, to just earn acceptance and approval from others and when our place in the invisible social ladder is threatened, we tend to retaliate and feel very badly like what am i feeling now.

It makes perfect sense if you think of it. I was angry because my the people at the drama (no offence ^^) did not acknowledge me and what annoys me more is my best bud also forgot about me. I was feeling rotten as i am not doing what other people are doing and that means i am not one of them.

It made me think a lot. When you think deeply, it seems that everyone is doing the same thing as me. What Donald said is very true as many of my actions everyday are just there to seek approval from people, climb up the ladder although i have been thought many times that i'm special and that all these actions bring no meaning.
Actions like playing Perfect World and struggling to gain higher level, taking part in iTALENTSTAR or trying to be funny and humorous in front of others and even blogging are all part of my constant struggle to achieve people's approval, the claps of people as if i'm performing on stage.

And thinking about this made me realized how flawed we humans are, desperately trying to win what is not important as if that we cannot live without it. Everything in this world revolves around this seemingly pathetic system and Donald Miller is certainly right.

I will stop here for now and i want to hear from you guys before i continue on my second part (because i already hear you all whining from the seemingly long post), if situation permits or you all could choose to buy the book to read more. It is truly worth it. Post some comments not in the chat box if can, thanks ^^


  1. Gosh...aren't cha an insecure youth ? what's with the insecurity? = =''' trust in God and place your future in him. What u are trying to do now is like pushing God out of the picture. Go ask for courses and apply them. If you fail to get the course take it as a 'No' from God. Don't get so tensed. The more you think of it the more confusing it gets. Just leave it to God. As simple as that.

    You got to learn to live outside the spotlight or is that jealousy and pride i am smelling ? Those rotten emotions you speak of, everybody goes through it when they are a teenager....You cant always expect people to spoon feed you with attention. If you felt left out then go and mix with your friends and get to know the latest news. You will never make any friends if you expect people to befriend you first.


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