Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Who i really am, inside.

Phang Cher Hong, a normal guy, a normal teenager. How do you think of him? How is his attitude and do you like him?
As for me, i hate him, yes, that would in turn mean i hate myself, no matter what you guys think of me.

The world can be divided into two types of people, the people who attract attention, either by good looks, their cool attitude or for whatsoever reasons and those who nobody notices and even care and those who are deemed outdated or simple left-outs.

Sad to say, from my point of view, i'm the second type of person. Surprising isn't it?
I may seem cheerful even positive but i am no superman, no matter how strong i steel myself, i cannot escape the fact that i'm an outsider to many people, whom nobody notices until he talks.

I envy those people who are just born with good looks and a humorous attitude, they seem to get attention easily without having to move a muscle while guys like me tend to be left out from most of the things, no matter how hard i try to fit it, to be noticed.

Again and again i tell myself that all these are not important, what matters is the inside but how long can a guy go on cheating himself?

Maybe you would think i'm just making up stories but when you see all your friends conversing in symbolic languages and in a way you could not understand plus keeping tons of secrets from you, i really can't help but wonder why the heck i am standing there, listening to my so called friends talking in a way that i could not make any sense of.

How do you deal with people who does not treat as a friend in a first place?

I'm tired, tired of making a fool out of myself, being whom i am not, telling myself that everything will be alright and i'm just being sensitive, hiding myself under a mask that do not care.

The trouble is, i do but i could not possibly force others to just pity me, i hate that actually. That is why i seldom confide with others or to lash out my feelings, to let others know how am i feeling because i do not want to look weak, i do not want people to sympathise with me and because i do not want people to be concerned about me or the waste their time and energy on me.

Maybe i am destined to be alone afterall, a guy whom nobody notices, who nobody cares, whom nobody looks at.Every relationship i enter is a failure and nobody reallycare if i am there or not.
My presence makes no difference and it brings ni significance.
Why do i want to care about getting along with others or to burden myself with so much unwanted stress?
It's pretty useless actually and i am freaking sick of it.

Ignorance is a bliss, like they say, and sincerely i do not want to care anymore. I'm sick of being overly fake anymore and i have no more energy to remain cheerful and positive. I give up.
So i'll just return to being who i were on the first day of school, someone who does not care about what is going on in the school and someone who does not care if other people notices me.

I just want to keep a low profile and to stay away from all these stuff. If they do not want to be my friends and think lowly on me, why bother wasting my energy to become who i am not?

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